In honor of the Vampires vs. Werewolves panel that I’m on Friday night (8:30) at DragonCon, I went to tweet the link to my heroine Gina’s “Why My Vampire Boyfriend is Better than Your Wolf” blog and found the link broken! Thus, I am reprinting here, hopefully for your amusement.
“Why My Vampire Boyfriend is Better than Your Wolf” by Gina Covello, Fashionista of the Damned (and star of Vamped, Revamped, Fangtastic and Fangtabulous by Lucienne Diver)
#1– Vampires don’t shed. That’s right, vampires have follicles of steel. It’s totally part of the whole fanged and fabulous package. This means that when my boyfriend rubs up against me, he doesn’t leave light hairs on my little black dress. We don’t get wild hairs growing out of our ears or anywhere else. Plus, no hairballs to clog the drain and back the water up around our ankles.
#2– Wolves go through outfits like a girl goes through gloss. Yeah, werewolves are a little like the Incredible Hulk…transforming involves as much shredding as shedding. If you’re lucky, a few swatches of fabric hang on for dear life, keeping the naughty bits under cover. If not…well, there’s the whole public indecency thing. I can think of way better ways to spend your weekend than bailing your boy out of the clink. Or, restitching his seams. Because unless the boy’s independently wealthy (highly recommended, BTW) closets full of replacement clothes aren’t generally an option.
#3– Speaking of that whole public indecency thing, there’s the whole caught on film fiasco (a la Lindsay Lohan). Not even a possibility with us vamps. Of course, neither is a film career, but there are totally trade-offs.
#4– My boyfriend only wants to suck on my neck, not rip it out.
#5– Vampires don’t come home with fleas and ticks…especially the latter. It’s a kind of professional courtesy, one bloodsucker to another.
#6– Silver allergies totally limit your accessory options. What if you’re a winter?
#7– Even when fanged, he’s fabulous. Werewolves…not so much. If they’re not off howling at the moon, they’re obsessed with sniffing each others’ butts or licking those hard to reach areas. When they come home you find they’ve run through a briar patch or scared up a skunk or eaten your BFF. Completely uncool.
#8– Werewolves are completely hormonal around every full moon. And heaven forbid their monthly cycle coincides with yours…or the prom. That’s when the fur really flies.
#9– Two words…dog breath. Enough said.
[Disclaimer: none of the above applies if the wolf in question happens to look anything like Taylor Lautner, in which case he can down some breath mints and shed in my shower any day of the week. And twice on Sundays.]